THE DANGER OF DESPERATION
So that we do not make too light or too heavy of the word DESPERATION, let us first make corporate meaning of it.
Desperation is described by English Dictionary as "a state of despair or utter hopelessness, abandonment of hope; extreme recklessness, defiance of consequences".
Desperation on its own is a "dangerous" act. No one achieves "good" success through desperation. Please take note of the good which qualifies the success. You may be thinking to yourself now; "but i hit that target through desperation or I got him/her through desperation, what is he talking about?" I am talking about making "good" success, a sustainable success, replicable success, transparent achievement, etcetera.
Since this is a relationship forum, we shall narrow our topic down to DANGERS OF DESPERATION IN RELATIONSHIPS/Marriages. The definition we looked at above makes us to understand that when one becomes desperate or acts desperately, he/she is acting devoid of hope. Simply put, the person abandons hope and reasoning and goes after whatever the target is "by all means within reach", disregarding the consequences. What jumps at us from that point is that, no matter how one ignores it, there are consequences of desperation.
Again, let's not confuse desperation with "tenacity" or pressing hard/on. While desperation is an act of recklessness, pressing hard or tenacity is a fine quality which is characterised by doggedness, perseverance, hope, assurance, knowledge, etcetera.
HOW DOES DESPERATION DEVELOP?
1. Abandonment of Hope: As the definition points out, the act of desperation is preceded by hopelessness. The moment you despair, the moment your faith is shaken, you begin to get agitated, eager, desperate and begin to give into wrong ideas in the bid to achieve your goal.
2. Greed: When you think there are things to gain in that relationship/marriage rather than things to give, you will trade caution/reason for scheming. Greed is an undeniable ingredient of desperation. So if you notice there is greed in your thought pattern, kindly weed it out.Position yourself as the giver and prepare yourself thus.
3. Low Self Esteem: Low self esteem is that "undeserving" mindset. It is basically caused by ignorance. As a lady, have you ever seen a man and the first thought that drops in your mind is "ahh! Can this type of guy even notice someone like me?" And vice versa with men...
This feeling may lead an individual to go the extra mile in order to feel accepted or worthy of that particular person.
4. Inadequate Preparedness: Daniel said in the book of Daniel 9:2 - "In the first year of his reign I Daniel understood by books the number of the years, whereof the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah the prophet, that he would accomplish seventy years in the desolations of Jerusalem". One abuses what he/she does not have full knowledge of.
Talking about relationship or marriage, get to know the foundation/origin of marriage, then look up the precepts of marriage according to its origin. Look out for those who are successful at it and those who are experts at it (relationship teachers and marriage counselors) and learn from them.
Then, prepare and ready yourself to apply, to the latter the precepts of a Godly/successful marriage.
In Luke 14:28, it says "For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?"
Now that we know a few things that cause desperation, HOW DO WE DO AWAY WITH DESPERATION?
This question has a simple answer, get to know your God and depend solely on what He can give you. The men and women of exploits in Christ you see today are those who live by the code: "IF MY GOD CAN NOT GIVE ME, THEN I DO NOT NEED IT".
Sir/Ma! If you do not fear God, you are capable of doing "anything" to get to anywhere or get anyone. Lack of fear for God is a propeller for desperation. Talking about your father in heaven and relationship/marriage, it is written in the book of James 1:17 - "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning".
In the book of 2nd Peter 1:3 says - "According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:". And in Isaiah 34:16, it says there - "Seek ye out of the book of the Lord, and read: no one of these shall fail, none shall want her mate: for my mouth it hath commanded, and his spirit it hath gathered them".
I believe the three quoted scriptures should assure everyone reading this to do away with desperation (If applicable) and remain hopeful that your marriage shall not only be established, but it shall be established according to God's will (where only "good and perfection" come from) for you.
Just to reiterate before I conclude, desperation brings the following:
5. Settling for less
6. Mockery, etcetera.
Conclusively, to encourage you further, let me share a practical experience;
"For as long as I can remember, I have always prayed for God's will to be done for me in marriage. I got into a relationship in my final year in the university, hoping it will lead to marriage. I was not ready and neither was the relationship right. Over several years it led to naught. I got into another one when I thought I was ready before seeking God's face on the matter (I did it in reverse, seeking direction after embarking on the journey) and our merciful father told me vividly to wait till the following year, while seeking His face.
As a stubborn brother, I went back to fast again after receiving that answer, asking this our God what I should do with the relationship I was in (as If He led me into it). I became confused, fell into despair at a later part of that relationship and even lost faith in marriage. I gave myself all the reasons why marriage is not meant for everyone, using Paul the Apostle who could serve God the he did, pleasing Him so well without marriage.
And yes, men can get desperate about marriage too.
That was when I decided to forget about everything relationship and marriage and pursue my career to the apex.
Alas! The "next year" I had forgotten about came. I got a break from work and decided to visit a family in another state from my state of residence. While there, I enrolled in a three weeks Bible school. I was determined to get value for my time. In the Bible School, the Holy Spirit visited me, speaking audibly.
There I was led to a sister who is now my wife. Over zealous me that year, I almost rejected that directive, arguing that I was not there for that purpose. But He reminded me of the answer to my prayer (...to wait till the following year...) and gave me peace of mind.
When I got to know the sister in a courtship that lasted for a year, I discovered she had stood her ground for God's choice. She rejected over 30 suitors because she never had the leading to accept any of them. She told me she got the directive that her husband will find her in that Bible School while she was praying and preparing for the school. And when I showed up, she was at peace to accept me".
As fairytale as this story sounds, it is true and it is my story.
Do not get carried away by the many "suitable" suitors that come your way and get desperate to run into making a decision for yourself without God's prompting. Again, do not get carried away by the fact that no one has looked in your direction and get desperate to scheme your way into someone's life, so that time will not run out. Time will only run out when Jesus returns or when God decides to call you home.
There were richer and more well established men amongst the over 30 suitors who came the sister's way, but she accepted me "a civil servant", whose bank accounts where in minus, who was in debts and who was living in a wonderful cubicle.
Hallelujah the story is not the same today...
I pray this moment that the peace of our Lord Jesus, which passes all human understanding rest upon every heart reading this (married, about to marry and in a relationship), and lead you into His perfect will in Jesus mighty name.
Written by A. J. Dominic