Boring, drab, lifeless, stale, dull, tedious; these are probably not the words you hope to use to describe your relationships.
How about well planned, frugal, precise, productive, serious, and busy?
Though these can be characteristics of a strong, healthy relationship, they are not likely what make a relationship so appealing.
What was it about the beginning of your relationship that made it so attractive?
What was it about your partner that made you want to spend time with him or her?
Love is wonderful, but no one ever said love relationships are simple or easy. Any partnership − even a good marriage – can have bad times.
It may help to consider relationships as a work in progress; a long-term commitment in which the “downs” sometimes outnumber the “ups.”
So many of us know how to start relationship but lack the knowledge of sustaining it, we know how to go out of our ways to get what we want, notice that: “we go out of our way to get what we want” The guys reading this understand what I meant by that, we will give whatever it takes to win the heart of that lady we so desire.
Ladies, you know the energy you put into getting noticed by the guy you so admire and desire, you know what you put into getting him to say the word “HI “to you the first time.
When we were seeking the love of that lady, we learn to get gift for her, the spontaneous messages, the calls that was made to check on her, the box of Chocó’s and the date where the proposal happened, Remember how you planned it, for novice like my friend Tope (lol), remember how you rehearsed several times before your mirror and how you called your friends to see to the strategy/ approach you intended using…..
Think about the steps you took at the beginning of the relationship to convincing your spouse that you will make a good partner; the care, the swift forgiveness, the gifts, the time you devoted to stay together. How you sacrificed some money meant to meet personal needs just to get airtime to talk with him/her.
These are the things that gave birth to the relationship; those are the things that gave confidence to the both party that the relationship was ordained from heaven.
But guess what! At a junction, the problem of all age set in, it is called the problem of FAMILIARITY.
Now, all the things that got you so excited about your spouse have now turned to what displease you most on earth.
For instance, I was counseling a certain couple in 2016 and their problem was exactly what we are discussing. They thought their relationship had lost the life it used to have. I asked the guy how healthy their communication was and he said, “She even complains anytime I called her, she is either claiming that am disturbing or policing her” so I turned to the lady and asked her, Then she said” it’s true, he will never let me rest, always calling and the calls are to ask me routine questions, for instance, are you awake? , what’s your day going to be like? Where are you? What are you doing there?” she said, “he made me almost lost my sense of maturity cause I have to give answers to him about anything am doing”, “so I asked her if he always called her when they newly got engaged, The lady was swift in answering, she said, “yes”, so I asked what the content of the communication was then, Guess what ..
There was a long silence... until she answered again, “kind of the same series, I think the problem was that I got tired of them” she defended herself.
I further asked her if she was always expecting him to have called and asked the same questions those early days, here we go again, a moment of silence, she said ‘yes’ in a very lovely low voice..
So I asked her what changed. …. “I don’t know sir”, she responded. I presume you love him then, don’t you? “Why do you say then, I love him now” She argued... so what has changed?
Why do you develop hatred for what once made you feel like a queen… The answer is not difficult to get ‘over familiarity’.
Can you see nothing has changed really but we (human) do change, it is normal, we are human being, we love changes and that is why it is a constant thing in our life, we don’t want to continue in business as usual, we enjoy spontaneity, we want to explore
The word of God says: “he has put eternity in our heart”.. We always want more than we are getting. It won’t be long everything you once believe to have and thank God for you will notice you begin to complain about the same to God for a change.
I will give you examples;
This relationship we are fixing now, remember how well you prayed for a relationship partner, and remember how you threw up a self-party in the room when he proposed or on the other end when she gave a positive answer, that big YES. Now imagine that same relationship is what we are complaining about now.
And if I ask, if you will prefer to go with somebody new, of course, your answer may be yes, but I will assure you of one thing, try it and after some months you will discover, that beautiful and perfect person you choose above your spouse now will end up the same way with you. Why? Because you are human and you were created to explore newness.
For instance, my Dad once got a Mitsubishi Montero Suv Car. Those days, he loved it; everyone at home loved that sweet car. Until one year like that when we saw him come home with a new car, Honda Odyssey. He despised the Montero he always loved so much, and immediately, it became a car anyone in the house could drive. In fact, one day, he convinced himself that he no longer need the Montero, so he sold it and concentrated on his new car. Few months after the sale of the old car, the new one started developing faults; things that would never had happened to the old car. Imagine if he had spent so much to see the Montero balanced and fine, I am so sure that the car will still be home now doing better than the Honda. But it’s normal for man to prefer the new to the old which always lead to regrets.
So what do you think, should you continue to change partner and keep trying a new one, hoping that one day, you will fully get that one partner ,that will be perfectly perfect to meet up with the picture perfect in your heart?
This is where maturity in relationship comes in.
You cannot continue to change partners, but you can make a perfect partner out of the one you are with right now, if only you know how. You can get the best of excitement with your present partner if only you know how.
- I want us to see something here, what if we continue to esteem that partner the way you did before you started the relationship?
- What if you give the same energy you gave to win his/her heart to sustaining the union.
You see! There is a challenge and the challenge is the issue of spontaneity and change. Of course, you shouldn’t continue to call the way you did in the beginning except you are a sort of a machine, you will get bored.
For instance, the first time you used the ATM, you will notice you patiently read everything, follow every instructions, in fact, if you were like me, I memorized the song rhythm of the ATM I always used during my undergraduate in the university those days. But now, before the machine says Welcome, you would have clicked on the proceed button; you skip receipt now, you go straight to cash withdrawal and see! You don’t enjoy the machine again like you once did; you want the machine to quickly dispense your cash so you can leave. Exactly what the problem is with doing things, the same way, we get bored with such.
As much as you must continue to give a good morning call or text, why not think of how to put in some creativity.
I remember I called G.baby (that’s my Fiancée’s pet name) one early morning, and I shouted surpiseeee… She said what... Is that a good morning... I said I have got a surprise for you.
Stand up from bed and go and see what is in front of your dog outside. She knows I don’t come near that Dog each time I visits her home, you know all those dogs that be like lion….lol, but now I dropped something for her around 7am in the morning in front of that dog…..
So she stood up and got to the dog and right before the dog is a copy of her picture I took the last time she visited my house with my phone and I inscribed on it…. “You are the reason why I am always happy to see the sunrise every day. You lighten my world my sunshine”.
Guess what will happen to her, the question is how did it got there? Well, since you care to know, I paid her younger brother and we met in town to carry out the assignment for me? He dropped the stuff and left for school immediately, so he could not have been a suspect and apart from him no one else could. Till date she won’t know how, until she reads this post.
I have so many others like that. I remember, I was going to say a goodnight to G.baby one day and I requested that she changed her nighty to a new one. She replied, “I only have one now and you know I don’t enjoy sleeping without putting on a night gown,”
It’s a lie you have more than one, I interrupted. She was like, are you drunk? I said yes... Check under your pillow now... at least, even if it is a lie, confirm it first. She did and again this time, I had contracted my partner in crime to drop it there after she must have laid her bed to sleep. Of course, she loved the gown as she once pointed at it sometime we went shopping, though I ignored that day as if I didn’t hear her, but I went behind her to buy it.It was a lovely good night that day.
So you see! Be creative. Again, because you love him/her, ideas will come instead of the normal routines.
To continue doing things the same way is to be doing an obligation and following a routine. Which could be very Boringgggg……..
Also remember that when the relationship newly began, you did so much to impress him/her; you dressed fine and gorgeous so he /she could notice you, you want to smell nice, you want to go on a date, you want to do a photo-shoot... remember how it cost you to eat at that eatery but you wouldn’t mind. But as time pass bye, you allow them to become an activity because you stopped enjoying them but doing them as obligations.
Some couple cannot even remember the last time they took a photo shot together not even on their phone.
So, this is what you need to pay attention to; So many of us get so relaxed and feel a form of victory after we have won the heart of our spouse and subsequently begin to take them for granted.
For you to have a life-time fulfilling and happy relationship, you have to keep supplying the energy you used in starting it, you as well have to keep the fun going and better with something new and not stale.
Permit me to continue using my relationship as an example, yes, I can use it now, but it has gone through fire and today is glittering as Gold. By the grace of God, we are married after courting/dating for 8 years and we built a mansion on it in June 2019, we are also blessed with a beautiful baby which will be delivered in few weeks’ time as at the time of this write up. Wuraola is an example of a perfect woman to me, a woman who understands that the strength of a woman is not in fighting and nagging but demonstration of wisdom. And she always gets me. I will use us as an example.
Let’s move on!
So be ready to spice your relationship, bring life to it, and season it with salt, because it’s meant to give you joy and happiness. It should be the one major reason you want to see each day...
I love to see the new day cause of this beautiful woman in my life. I will wake up from bed after my custom of talking in other tongues and will always say to God, ‘thank you Lord for giving me the privilege to manage this your wonderful creature, thank you for trusting her destiny under my lordship, Lord I will not disappoint you, I will nourish her and treat her like the queen she is’.
I like that woman cause she so much believe in me even when I have not acquired much in life; she will say to me, ‘G.bobo, you are so wealthy’, ‘Pastor Salt, you are loaded’, ‘the world will queue to listen to you’. I will say, LORD, I long to see her legally married to me.
I long to make love to her, I long to bath with her completely nude in our home, play with our Triplets, I will say give me every wisdom and resources I need to rightly represent you to her.
These are things I meditate upon before marriage; when I go to a new place and I notice a lady who’s got my attention, I will be careful to observe what’s special about the lady and I will get my phone and call my G.baby, ‘have you considered this dress and that hair style? I remember calling her one beautiful day requesting to see her on bump short. She replied, ‘how do you want to see me on such when we are not living together yet and I can’t come to your side putting on one’. Yeah, I responded, but I long to see you one on one; then she suggested that we visit the beach over the weekend and trust me, we did just that and I relished the moment.
What you need to know is that the same way you made that lady or that guy as the case may be say yes to you, is how you will sustain it, but it has to be better. I have said it, human being naturally loves change; you can never see me go to a date with G.baby on the same shirt, and if I cannot get a new shirt yet the date will wait. I will wear a new hair-cut, nice wristwatch, quality perfume and enough cash. I don’t want her to point to anything and am babbling that I don’t have enough. Even though, I had sometime asked her to give me some cash in one of our outings and she understands when I had to ask, that I will return it back.
I love looking new to her. She told me one day that she likes me that am growing younger and handsome but my tommy was postulating, I immediately started a work out. Another time she said she loves my mustache; I learnt to keep one since that time, even though the mustache has refused to grow.
You see, I will do whatever it takes to keep us happy and going; I don’t think we have a problem, if anything is wrong, I assume something is wrong with me and I change. I don’t think of ever losing her, I don’t look at Tope’s relationship with his Fisayo and start to think something must be wrong with us, nooo… the part of the just is like a shining light. It shines brighter until the perfect day and I know faithful is He who has begun a good thing in us who also will perfect it, and am convinced that whatsoever the Lord doeth shall abide forever.
Very common in the first six months of a relationship is the excitement at the mere fantasy of skin touching, but after a year or two you really do have to work to keep the romance. The love is still there, but the accelerated heart rate, weak-at-knees sensation, and feeling that your heart might explode with passion have noticeably decreased.
When I detected this happening in my own relationship, I proposed to treat it as a milestone—a positive marker for the point at which we genuinely started to work to make our relationship work and we did. For time, I would have loved to share an experience we had at that time, but I will tell you, we were at the verge of separation. That moment our relationship developed from a clueless hormone-loaded teenager to a fully grown, responsible adult.
Scientifically speaking, it is supposed to be physically impossible to maintain that first intensity of feeling that is experienced at the beginning of the relationship, and I do agree that it’s not sustainable permanently.
If we spent our whole lives in that state we would probably find out that we got very little else done and almost certainly couldn’t survive for the period of a lifetime before we died from an adrenaline overdose.
However, there is a difference between a relationship maturing with two individuals growing comfortable with each other, and no longer making the effort to do things that make your partner’s fingers tingle and heart swell.
Here are a few simple ways to spice up that relationship and keep the early feelings alive and growing
|ways to spice up that relationship and keep the early feelings alive and growing|
1. Be like Jesus; follow his examples, he exhibited a certain love ability towards his church that we must learn from, when there was a rift between him and his bride, the church, he never stepped out to complain about the church or expose her weakness, rather, he simply took responsibility and gave all it requires to restore his bride back to oneness with him, even his own life was not spared. Love as spelled out for us in 1st Corinthians 13…. is a love that gives all not for the interest of taking back.
And I discover that we sometimes don’t know what love is, we always assume that what we have for that person that makes us ask them out is called love, but wrong, that is not love, you can’t love someone from afar, you can only say you love someone when you have a reason not to love them, love is what makes us choose that one person despite all odds. So when you begin to see strange things in the relationship, now is the time to prove your love for that lady/guy, you can’t love me from for the way I talk, you can only love me for who I am that you discover by coming close to me, you can only like me from afar. You see, when we were unlovable Christ came forth to show us love. This is best discussed in my book: (The Relationship Journey by Emmanuel Agbeluyi).
Love is in what you give and not what you get, we are not like the unbelievers.
In the love of Christ in you, you will find out that you are the woman or man who prayed to God for a partner and God thinks you are responsible enough to manage this person and he gave them to you, having trained you to walk in love. So many always think they are coming to meet a perfect person... But the answer is NO, you are coming to meet someone who will sharpen you some more to be conformed to the image of Jesus.
So you must learn to show love and respect to your spouse just as you have received the love of Christ, remember Christ could still love, bear with you despite your mess then you must be able to love that person despite their mess.
You have a desire in your wife/husband, for instance, he/she can’t socialize and you want someone who can, then, don’t complain, teach that person with patience.
I told women that nag and fight their husband that they are yet carnal, because women of faith don’t nag, seed of Sarah will not nag; they understand the power of wisdom in them. The wisdom full woman builds her house, foolish woman will scatter hers.
Love your spouses, even when they seem unlovable. When my friends complained to me about their relationships, I always replied them that, that is why you are the only one who can love that woman.
Relationship works and can be fun, don’t believe the lies of the devil saying relationship cannot be perfect, it is perfect because it’s God’s idea. Don’t leave your partner because of their weakness, stay with them, love them, and build up the love and affection again. Be to her/him what he is not yet at, he doesn’t know how to call, you, be a consistent caller; he/she don’t give gift, be consistent at giving gifts; he is boring, spice him up; he is local, tosh him. Don’t intimidate your partner with your spirituality; watch them grow as they see you grow in spiritual things. Love teaches, love lead by example, Die for people, then they will begin to die for you; Disciples who ran away when Jesus was to be arrested and killed, later died for him, when they discovered that he did also, it wasn’t it difficult to do again.
2. Don’t stop listening.
There is a point at the start of a relationship where you hang on to every word they say. You just can’t get enough. You’re desperate to understand their thoughts, feelings, and opinions on even the most mundane things. Each bit of extra information unravels more of this new person that you are treating like a gift to yourself, giddy with the prospect of more to love and lust after.
I’m not suggesting that you artificially re-enact this experience if you don’t feel like it all the time, but create time for listening.
Make your partner aware of the times that you need to be by yourself or in your own head so that they know when it’s a good time to have that long discussion and get your opinion. Create time to listen to them properly so that you can be attentive and present.
If you need thirty minutes after work to yourself, that’s fine. Maybe your listening time is over dinner, or while you’re doing the dishes, or before you go to bed.
Whatever it is, don’t stop listening. Listening is one of the ways that we show others that we value them and that they are attractive and interesting to us. If we don’t do this, it might send conflicting messages.
3. A little surprise goes a long way.
One of the first things to go in long-term relationships is the element of surprise. You get into a routine, and you no longer arbitrarily decide to take her away for a weekend or buy him a gift just because you felt like it.
Perhaps you do still buy ‘gifts, but it’s an extra pair of socks when you were at the market because you noticed all his socks have holes rather than the cute or hilarious stuffs you used to buy at the start of your relationship.
The biscuits and Choco’s you do drop with a picnic basket are gone, and you are less willing to make a fool of yourself to make the other person laugh or smile.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a few minutes once a month and ask yourself what would be a lovely surprise for them. It doesn’t have to be anything huge—just something considerate that would be appreciated. I remember G.baby once gave me a gift well wrapped in a beautiful wrapping sheet, and when I opened it, it was full of Garri mixed with groundnut and sugar, she then drop a message in it “even if it becomes this worst in life, I will be by your side.”
Although it sounds like an oxymoron, planning more surprises can initiate those weak-at-the-knees passionate feelings that you felt in the earlier stage of your relationship.
Plan the surprises that were more spontaneous before and you may re-experience that love rush. You might even develop your ability to be spontaneously romantic again.
4. Spontaneity? What’s that?
Think about it… when was the last time you guys did something out of the blue together or for each other? If you genuinely can’t remember, this could possibly be another sign that your relationship is beginning to skew towards boring. Of course, we need to all remain realistic in that, you guys aren’t living in a romantic comedy. Every moment of your lives isn’t going to be filled with some sort of spontaneous trip to Paris for the weekend. A bit of spontaneity is important, though. The Daily Mail cited a study that showed most couples are unhappy in their relationship, and many of the participants noted a lack of spontaneity as the reason. David Brown of the website UKDating.com told the outlet, “The sad fact of the matter is that when people first start dating, they go to great lengths to appeal to each other by being sexy, romantic and giving… But once that honeymoon period is over, it is all too easy to start taking each other for granted. Once couples fall in love and settle down, they fall out of the habit of making an effort.”
5. Do the things that don’t matter to you but matter to them.
If it is something that doesn’t make sense to you but is important to them and would only take a little bit of time, do it. In a mature relationship, passion can be shown by genuinely understanding and responding to your partner’s needs. Not responding to these can send the message that you aren’t interested in what’s important to them, and it indirectly suggests you aren’t interested in them.
6. Rethink Old Patterns
Many of the ways in which we interact in our relationships are based on patterns of behavior we learned in the family we grew up in. But most of us live in different circumstances these days. Some of the behaviors we learned are not what we want our relationships to be like now.
I have found these points really helpful in my relationship, so I hope they are to you. Having brought up the subject and talked about it with my partner, we are both now trying to surprise each other, listen more, and find ways to be romantic and affectionate towards each other.
The most important thing is to give it time in your own head and to prioritize your relationship so that working on it regularly, like you would with any priority in your work life. Surely you will grow old together and enjoy that flicker of passion in your hearts.
Rejoice Every Moment with Your Partner – Since Your Time Together is So Limited
After a while you take each other for granted. But this is just an illusion. You should always remember that your time here on earth and the time with your partner is very limited. There are only so many years you can share together.
Actually, every breath you take brings you and your partner closer to the moment, when you will pass away. But this shouldn’t bring you into a state of sorrow – instead it should bring you into an awareness of the moment.
There is only one moment, when you can fully experience joy, passion, love and happiness together. And that moment is NOW.
So become aware of the joy you can share now with your lover. Become aware of the happiness that will fill your whole being, once you allow it to.Become aware that this moment right now is such a gift and so precious. Celebrate this moment with your loved one – take the gift of life, love and happiness and rejoice in it. That’s where passion is borne from.
To end, make every moment from now onwards with your partner one of love and passion – and indeed, create a party of love:-).
So spice that relationship up today....
Author: Emmanuel Salt