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Monday, June 8, 2020

20 BASIC PRECEPTS OF MARRIAGE



20 BASIC PRECEPTS OF MARRIAGE
YOU MUST KNOW TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE ALIVE


In this post  I will be discussing with us on things we should know now before entering into the marriage institution. Some people get into marriage before they begin to learn all this precepts which is the reason why they are not enjoying their marriages as they desired.
So please concentrate as I take you through this short journey on educating you on all these principles.

Contrary to general opinions, marriage is not a complicated stuff, I once heard someone says marriage is a hell to be and immediately I shouted on the fellow saying marriage is a heaven I desire.We should know that as a man thinks in his heart so he is, and if we believe right we surely we enjoy life in the right manner, so many of us do assume that couples who appears to have their relationship working and happy must be pretending, and some also believe there could never be a happy and perfect marriage. Well again I say you will surely have what you say. Success in marriage, as in any other endeavor in life, answers to working, not dreaming. A wise man once said that some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it. Also, an adage says, "If wishes were horses’ beggars would ride." So, success in marriage is not wished for, but worked at. Every achievement in life is worked for.
Instead of believing wrongly and questioning the authenticity of a working and fulfilled marriage, why not find out what they know and practice that’s making it work for them.  Always remember nothing works itself, just like no problem solves itself. For instance, a student who wants to fail spends all night praying, instead of doing his assignments and studying. Prayer will not take the place of bending down to do the assignment; it only complements it.

MARRIAGE IS AN INSTITUTION

Marriage is an institution, the founder of it  is God himself, so being an institution, it's very important to understand the  dos and don’ts that guide it, every institution has it rules and regulations i.e. its fundamental precepts so the institution  of marriage also has its rules( precepts) . And that’s what we will be looking at in this session.
Almost every marriage starts out as a huge celebration. Together with their family and friends, each couple is full of hopes and dreams for their future life together. But the road to a happy marriage is far from easy. And as today’s divorce statistics demonstrate all too well, many couples opt not to complete the journey.
It would be easy to blame our high rate of marital failure on things like not spending enough quality time together, allowing bitterness and resentment to build in our hearts and failing to keep communication lines open. There’s no end to books, articles and seminars that tell you how to improve these and many other aspects of your relationship. But while quality time, forgiveness and communication are vitally important to creating a happy marriage, if such things aren’t happening, it’s usually a sign of a much deeper problem. And until this problem is addressed, no amount of external behavior modification will work.
 So it is good to understand if we will pay attention to the institution of marriage now, am referring to the singles among us and get enough knowledge. Marriage won’t work just because you know you love that person. It answers to basic understandings of it and never compare your years of courtship with your years of marriage, many had assumed it has the same and today are somewhere regretting they marry their partner.
So let’s begin by examine some of these fundamental rules/ precepts of marriage

#Rule 1. 

MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON : 

 We have gone through a teaching on how to know who to marry I supposed, as a single you must know that Character counts. There are things you need to talk about, honestly and in-depth before you marry someone. But before you do that, you need to be honest and in-depth with yourself about who you are. Do you
really know yourself? … if I  ask you who are you…. You probably be telling me I am …your name…. and profession… but the you that will be in that relationship is not just your name and your profession, you really need to make a lot of discovery about who you are, what are your like, what gets you angry, What put you on and off,  what inform your reactions and many more like that, but in a short word you need to discover yourself and then you will be ready to know how to discover your partner and how you can fit into their life.

#Rule 2.

 Marriage is about one entity not two:

We need to understand this, the day you made commitment to marrying that person, you are getting into the greatest covenant relationship which is oneness, and you became one with your partner, one in spirit, one in soul and one in the body, you will never be the you again such that if it were to be possible the day you exit the world your partner supposed to; Is somebody grumbling already, am kidding, but the truth is you became perfectly one with your spouse and you must be conscious of it, you don’t lay claim on anything as yours again , you can’t make decisions based just for you again, it has to be agreed to by the two and you can’t make any momentary progress except your partner consent to it . It is my desire that you know that marriage is a commitment and you must be willing to accept it as such before entering into it.

#Rule 3 .

HANDLE RELATIVES AND FAMILIES AS YOURS:

His family is his, your family is yours. I’m sure you love your in-laws, but each of you needs to handle your own family issues yourself. Your spouse is there to help you through the issue, but you have to take the lead with your family. So you must learn to tolerate your partners family, forbear them, love them sincerely, prepare your mind some might struggle to accept you but you must not be in such stand with them, love all members of the family equally, live with them in wisdom, of course you are not there slave but African have a discontent for a proud wife, you better present yourself as a meek one.  Respect our culture it won’t cost you anything if it will keep your home.
Don't criticize your partner's parents or friends. You know how it is—your family can tick you off but no one else had dared speak ill of them. That's why you should trade carefully with your in-laws and your husband's dearest friends. "Even when he's venting to you, your contributions can put him on the "When you take position A, you prompt your partner to take position B." Instead, put yourself in his position so that you can empathize with him.

#Rule 4

YOU MUST LEARN TO LISTEN MORE AND KNOW HOW AND WHEN TO TALK:

 Learn to be a good listener. Try to spend more time listening than talking. You might be surprised by what you learn. Be  patience , everything does not necessary means fight, be patience to know why you partner is reacting the way they did and address the reason which is far better than responding to their unfair actions.

#Rule 5

KNOW WHEN NOT TO GIVE AND GO ALONG:

When I mean listen more than you talk or be patience in your marriage I don’t mean you should give up talking or tolerate all the unruly behaviors of your partner . I will use a story I read some were to explain this. Some things really aren’t worth the fight, and it can be an act of maturity to let things go also. But if you’re a peace-at-any-price kind of guy or lady, you need to practice speaking up. You need to do this not only to restore your sense of self-regard, but also to give your marriage the best chance of succeeding. I read this about Segun  by one of my favorite blogger (Harriet Lerner Ph.D.)
Segun avoided conflict at all cost in his marriage. He didn’t say anything to his wife that would bring differences out in the open and disrupt their pseudo-harmonious “we.” He couldn’t recall the last time he said to her, “No I don’t agree with that,” and then held firmly to his position when the response was anger or disapproval. He will agree to the worst if it will mean peace in the home.

Please note that disagreement will be necessary sometimes in order to make progress but the beauty of it is knowing how to manage such disagreement in the spirit of the love you shared.
Gradually, Segun put his toe in the waters and experimented with having more of a voice. For example, he told his wife that he would wear the shirt and jeans he felt like putting on, rather than always deferring to her taste or rules about proper dress. (“You may be right that I’m underdressed for the party, but tonight I’m going for comfort”). He began to order from restaurant menus without her supervision. If asserting himself on these matters had felt too difficult for him, he could have started with something even smaller. Armed with new confidence from finding his voice on small issues, segun took on a big one. For several years, he had taken calls from his mother only at the office, because his wife couldn’t stand her mother-in-law and wanted Segun to have nothing to do with her. He kept his contact with his mother “semi-secret” to avoid his wife’s anger. “It’s not worth the fight,” he’d tell himself.

It was a huge move forward when Segun talked to his mother from home and dealt directly with his wife’s anger and criticism. He told his wife that he knew his mother could be a piece of work, but that she was still his mother and he needed to have a relationship with her. When the counter-moves started rolling in (“You’re going to have to choose between her and me!”). segun held to his position with dignity. (“I love you both, and I need to have a relationship with each of you”). When his wife spoke contemptuously, calling Seguin’s mother a “toxic bitch” and worse, he told her to cut it out. He said, “Look, I’m totally open to hearing what you think about my mother, but the name-calling and insults have to stop.” He said it more than once, because change doesn’t occur in one conversation, but rather in many. And he really meant it. He exited from conversations when his wife failed to clean up her language.

What's the lesson here?  All marriage requires give and take. As the Rolling Stone song goes, "You can't always get what you want." Things go more smoothly when partners are light and flexible about accommodating each other. But equally important is the wisdom to know when not to give and go along.
As Segun learnt, marriage suffers when we become so tolerant that we expect too little, settle for unfair arrangements, or fail to hear the sound of our voice saying out loud what we believe and also find interesting.

#Rule 6.

 LEARN TO HANDLE MONEY AS ONE

 Really think of the money as “ours” no matter who earns it. The way you handle money as a couple can predict a lot about your relationship. Get on the same page with how to handle money. This is a real lesson to learn and it worth learning . I have practiced this with my fiancée for years now and we are getting it right. No one thinks about my money but our money, if she needs to do anything we both fund it and if I need to do anything she  bring in her money, I remember we used the Alawi (National youth service stipends) she saved for herself to pay for my postgraduate Admissions acceptance fee. No one thinks about it when we spend on each other.  We need to pay attention to this.

#Rule7.

DON'T BRING UP PAST ARGUMENTS

People repeat ancient disagreements because they haven't resolved the problem, says Dr. Castaldo. Letting things fester often causes marriages to break down, she says. It's important to address issues as they happen and come to some sort of a resolution—agreeing to disagree counts. "Leave it there, and respect each other's opinion," she says. Let the past live in the past never bring up already settled issue.


# Rule 8

MAKE AND KEEP GOOD FRIENDS
You need a variety of people in your life and sometimes you need time away from your spouse. Get rid of dumb ass friends. They are never worth the time or energy. Especially the ones who denigrate your marriage because theirs is crappy. Surround yourself with friends who believe in the success of marriage.

#Rule 9

Honesty and Transparency  is your friend

We all need some secrets, but ultimately the level of trust between the two of you should be so solid that you are able to fess up to stuff. It makes your relationship stronger and makes you a better person. Isn’t that part of the reason you chose a life partner?, never have something you can’t share with your spouse., be open and I say again make sure you can discuss all with them.



#Rule 10.

BE A TEAM

Life has ups and downs. Stop keeping score and stop competing with one another. Sometimes one or the other of you has to put your needs second for the short term so that everyone is better off in the long term. Negotiate the terms. Then renegotiate and renegotiate again and again as often as needed. You should have learned and changed some over the years and so should your relationship.


#Rule 11

No name calling

Not even if it’s a “joke”. Words hurt and they stick long after the flash of anger or annoyance has passed. Also, name calling is just a bad habit and it should be reserved for use on politicians and criminals.


#Rule 12

Neatness counts

Messy living goes hand in hand with messy thinking which goes hand in hand with messy being. Honestly, it’s just an irritant, so grow up.
# Rule 13
Tell your spouse about any ex encounters
Whether you get a Facebook friend request or run into an old flame at your kid's soccer game, keeping the news to yourself could backfire, despite having zero feelings for the ex. "If there's nothing to hide, why hide it?",  That leads to an air of secrecy and dishonesty," what do you think?. Just clue in your hubby matter-of-factly: Try, "I knew it was only a matter of time before old boyfriends came out of the woodwork on Facebook. I got a friend request from one and ignored it." Or, "I saw my ex in the mall today. His kids are cute. Glad to see his life turned out nicely." Don’t keep secrets of such.


#Rule 14

Keep unsolicited advice to yourself

Offer your support, lend your ear, but avoid speaking in an "I know what's best" tone. "We give advice because we're trying to be helpful, but it's seen as criticism when we offer too many corrections," says Harriet Lerner, PhD, This goes for everything from your husband's outfit choices to how he deals with a work issue. Give your spouse space to make decisions and gain confidence through trial and error—and ask that he do the same for you. "What matters in a relationship is not that things get done 'right,' but that two people are dedicated to contributing to each other's happiness."

#Rule 15


 Don't take charge all the time

Whether you fold all the laundry because you don't like how your husband does it or you manage the finances because you don't think he's as careful, you may feel more at ease doing all the work. But stop! The spouse who does the rescuing can become tired of that role, and resentful that everything is on her shoulders, even if she volunteered for that burden. Get in the habit of asking your partner, "What do you think works best here? “or telling him, "I could use a hand cleaning out the pantry." These requests will foster the idea that you're teammates.
#Rule 16
Choose your battles
But don't stifle your feelings. "There's going to be don’t press the toothpaste from the middle wahala here and keep the wardrobe close stuffs; that's human nature" you have to be able to say, 'this isn't important.'" Or if it is, speak up. "Tell your partner why it bothers you and that you'd like to work on a solution," You'd be surprised what you could learn about each other. For instance, your husband may not leave dirty dishes in the sink anymore if you explain that your childhood home was piled high with plates and you were stuck washing them. It's also important to understand that he's not plotting to upset you every time he's sloppy or forgetful. A simple request like: "Honey, it'd be great if you could pick up the dry cleaning while you're out" beats getting mad that he didn't offer to help with errands.

#Rule 17

Don't post private thoughts or photos publicly

You may not want to be tagged in a politically charged rant he starts or he may not want you to share photos of the kids. And you each deserve the other person's respect for those wishes. Discuss the ground rules regarding posting about yourself, as a couple and about the other person, And no matter what, don't take your grievances with your husband to the masses for support. "It's destructive to air conflicts on Facebook. You will only be pitied they cannot offer you solution, please cease rom this attitude.

#Rule 18

 Log off

 When your attention is focused elsewhere, your spouse is bound to feel unimportant. So make quality time a top priority and restrict tech gadget use if necessary. "Pay attention to the concept of ratio: How much time am I spending doing this compared to how much time I'm spending with my family?. Create a rule that works for your household and stick to it, whether it's no devices at the dinner table, shutting down phones at 8 p.m. or going gadget-free on weekend afternoons. The addictive use of social medias can ruin your home.  I once saw an experience in my house here in lagos Nigeria, I came in from an outing and I observed a scene that is rapidly killing the sacredness of family relationship , Daddy was busy watching highlight of football on   YouTube, my Sisters were on what Sapp  too engrossed to notice I came in, mum was on Facebook and my younger siblings were on cartoon network . Everyone was busy spending time with one social media that the next thing I observed was that some stood up from there to sleep some slept off there with their device and the night period the family was supposed to share was stolen away by gadgets. Beware!!!


#Rule 18Don't use the "D" word (divorce, that is)

Even in the heat of an argument, avoid threatening to pack your bags or head to the lawyer's office. Besides the "D" word being downright hurtful, repeated warnings may result in a spouse calling the other's bluff. "We act as if the intensity of our anger gives us license to say or do anything," says Dr. Lerner. "But threatening divorce is never useful, and it only makes the probability of separation more likely." Make it a law no threat of divorce no matter what.
#Rule 19
 Be each other's number one
 In other words, be wary of outsider influence, like a friend putting relationship-threatening ideas in your head or work or hobbies competing for your attention. Happy couples have just as much conflict as those who divorce, but they know ways to get through it, A couple has to have a strong boundary around themselves and they can't allow anybody to get in between.


#Rule 20
SEX

Must be what you both enjoy: Sex is not a chore. I’m shocked to find out that most married couples don’t enjoy an active sex life. You can’t have an intimate emotional life together if you don’t have an emotion-filled, satisfying sexual life together. You have to learn to have sex, sex is worth learning, see a Christian counselor, discuss with your doctor or pick up Christian books and read them. Don’t assume you know how to do it, BE secured to express your in satisfaction to your spouse and be bold to tell them what you so appreciate during love making..
Singles develop your mind towards this, your body is not yours and it is wrong to refuse your partner when you are married, I mean you must be readily available every time to give it all to yourself. And if for any reason your partner cant for that period, learn to wait patiently after all when you wait you renew your strength..lol.. But beloved partner don’t keep him waiting.
Sex is good , one of the sweetest  after your fellowship with the Holy spirit ,  sex is not carnal except you made it one , so prepare for it and make sure you enjoy it when you can , don’t deprive your partner the opportunity, time is coming when both of you will need faith to copulate.

I believed you learn something?

Stay blessed.

To get a pdf copy of this article, please click:  BASIC PRECEPTS OF MARRIAGE

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